The Great Triumvirate
by KanadeSong
Summary: They say that in the League of Legends, the great triumvirate is the Kinkou Order. The League has yet to bear witness to the greatest trio of all…
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I do not own League of Legends. Rito does. If you catch any non-League references, have a cookie. Yasuo, Xin, and Zed bromance, with perhaps romantic hints here and there depending on you guys, though I'd like to keep it friendship-y and comedy-based (although I am rather partial to Yasuo/Riven, Yasuo/Sona, Zed/Ahri, and Zed/Akali; THE MAN, however, doesn't need a woman). Humor-centric, but there_ is _going to be a storyline, with Xin, Yasuo and Zed starring. Second fic, so I'd appreciate a lot of constructive criticism. Anyways, a couple other League fanfics have inspired this, in particular Steel Revolution, Kimochi, Hangman (Cait/Thresh is the OTP), and Follow the Wind; they're all great stories, so check 'em out!

* * *

"Some days, some nights; some live, some die…in the WAY OF THE SAMURAI." -Nujabes

Prologue - A New Order

In the innermost depths of the Institute of War, beyond a labyrinth of tunnels and behind doors sealed with the most powerful magic in all of Runeterra, a lone samurai sat crosslegged on a grass mat meditating, when a single swift knock on his door disturbed his peace.

Sighing, he opened his eyes, getting up to open the door. Before him stood a short, orange-furred yordle.

"Captain Teemo—on duty!"

The samurai blinked twice before slamming the door shut. "F*ck no," he muttered.

More knocks followed, persisting. "Yasuo! Yasuo!" the Swift Scout called. "Yasuoyasuoyasuoyasuo!"

Yasuo winced and brought his hands over his ears to block out the obnoxious yordle's voice. "I don't want any of your shrooms, Teemo."

The muffled reply from the other side of the door came immediately. "But Olaf always—"

The samurai interrupted him. "Olaf is about that four-twenty-blaze-it life. I'm not about that life."

"Then what life are you about?" the yordle asked curiously.

"I live by the code of the swordsman," Yasuo began in a monotone. Teemo braced himself for the impending speech, chewing on a caffeine-injected mushroom to keep himself awake. "I live by the soul of my blade, by the honor and duty my village bestowed upon me. I live to redeem the lives of the many I've slain—"

Teemo kept chewing, standing still until he turned invisible. Boy, did he wish he could leave. The Ionian swordsman, however, did not notice he was missing, and prattled on.

"—for the darkness within my soul to be the burden in my sword, the pride of my—"

Scratch that about keeping awake. Teemo did fall asleep, even with his caffeinated mushrooms. When he woke up again, what seemed to be several hours later, the ronin was still at it.

"—I am the sword in the darkness. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to—"

Teemo slapped himself with his bo staff to make sure he didn't fall asleep again.

"—I am the bone of my sword. Steel is my body and fire is my blood. I have created over a thousand blades—unknown to Death, nor known to Life. Yet, those hands will never hold anything; so as I pray—"

Teemo couldn't take it anymore.

"…so you don't want any shrooms?" he blurted.

Yasuo screamed louder than Karthus on crack. "I'M. NOT. DOOOOONE!"

Teemo cried.

"AND NOBODY WANTS TO GET HIGH ON YOUR MOTHERF*CKING ULTIMATE." Yasuo shook his head like a madman. After only a few Rift matches with the spawn of Satan, he'd already lost his appetite for normal fungi.

The Swift Scout was clearly disappointed; he sighed a loud sigh, the kind that often made female Summoners squeal and want to dress him up in obnoxious spacesuit and superhero outfits.

"Your loss. Anyways, that's not what I came here for."

The Ionian swordsman opened the door ever so slightly, peering at Teemo through the crack. "Why are you here, then?" he asked warily.

"High Summoner Kolminye has issued a new order. Report immediately to her office, she says." Teemo paused. "You sure you don't want any mushrooms? Only three hundred gold a skewer!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"HASAGI!"

* * *

Zed stared at the dead yordle in his hands.

Or at least, he wished it were a dead yordle.

"Mister Assho—I mean, Zed, would you please let go of me?" Tristana twittered nervously, aware that the Master of Shadow's grip was tightening.

"My apologies," the ninja snarled, "I seem to be hard of hearing today. May you repeat that?"

The Megling Gunner sneezed.

"What the f*ck did you just fucking say about me, you little broken af b*tch? I'll have you know I would've graduated top of my class over Shen and the rest of the Kinkou Order, mind you (if I didn't betray the Order and reduce its numbers to half, but I digress), and I've been involved in numerous massacres in Ionia, with over 300 confirmed pentakills. I am trained in the Way of the Shadow and I'm the most powerful ninja in all of Ionia. You are nothing to me but just another "ez win". I will Death Mark you the f*ck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on Runeterra, mark my f*cking words. You think you can get away with saying that sh*t to me? Think again, f*cker. You're f*cking dead, yordle."

"Kolminye said to meet in front of her office," Tristana whimpered, trying to divert Mr. Assho—I mean, Zed's, attention. "Can I go now?"

High Summoner Kolminye never summoned Champions to her office unless it was a matter of grave importance. Would he be given permission to kill Shen? Or better yet, will the Institute of War embrace the Way of the Shadow? Lost in thought, he gave a dark, manic chuckle, loosening his grip. Tristana took the chance to activate her rocket and jump away, screaming.

Zed mourned the loss of his victim, but he had more important matters to attend to. Heading down the hallway, he melted into the shadows.

* * *

The Viscero sat with his fellow Demacians at a table, drinking tea (with a lot of sugar; THE MAN certainly loved his sugar—sweet and light, just like him). Everything in the room shone brightly with blue and yellow—banners on the walls, the champions' armors, even the Lady of Luminosity's nails. It was a highly important state meeting, but Quinn was playing with her phone, Shyvana was staring intently at Jarvan IV, Luxanna Crownguard was staring even more intently at her brother, Fiora Laurent was loudly talking about the cafeteria's "deesgoosting soupe", and Galio stood as still as, well, a gargoyle. Poppy and Vayne were nowhere to be found; they were often absent at such meetings, as they have personal matters they attended to that they considered far more important than the interests of Demacia. Only the Crown Prince, Sona Buvelle, and the captain of the Dauntless Vanguard were interested in the highly important affairs of the state, and even then, Garen and Jarvan were too busy staring at the oblivious Maven's chest to contribute to the conversation about their most beloved nation.

Here the author would like to interject and say that Xin Zhao is an incredibly underrated character in both the game and the fanbase. She doesn't say this simply because she mains Xin Zhao (albeit with meta-breaking item builds). THE MAN's spear is far cooler, for lack of a better word, than Jarvan Lightshield IV's (the author would also like to point out that Jarvan IV's name makes him sound like he belongs in Star Wars), and have you seen the sheer amount of testosterone in that Commando skin? Xin is definitely _not_ gay for Jarvan, and the author finds the fanfictions written about Xin Zhao's and Jarvan Lightshield IV's homosexual relationship and rough, wild sex highly insulting to both Xin's and Jarvan's manlinesses. Of course, the author does agree with the fanfictions on the point that Xin Zhao would be the obvious seme, and that—

Xin Zhao cleared his throat, calmly stirring his tea, dark brown eyes penetrating the fourth wall.

The author offers her apologies, and shall continue with the story.

The Seneschal of Demacia was holding his tea cup daintily, pinky untucked, mind you, listening to his prince drivel on about the new tariff, when an apprentice Summoner burst in rather rudely, nervously stuttering at the Demacian steward, asking him to report to the High Summoner's office immediately.

Xin Zhao stood—and oh, how he stood. The Seneschal radiated pure MANLINESS. His comrades should've been used to it by then, but Garen and Jarvan still had to check in their pants to make sure their things were still there. Even Galio grimaced, his ego suffering a blow.

Striding out of the room, the Viscero headed down the hallway.

* * *

"Ah, I see you're all assembled," Kolminye smiled coldly at the three men before her. "For the sake of Runeterra's unity, the Council decreed that three Champions, by drawing of lots, be picked to demonstrate Valoran's peace."

Zed growled. "Get to the point, wench."

Kolminye's smile only widened. "From now on, you three are roommates."

* * *

A/N: I'd appreciate any kind of criticism; I'm fairly new to fic writing, as this is my second fic (my first is less than 300 words, lol). I apologize for any OOC-ness, but hey, Rito gives us a lot of leeway with that miniscule paragraph or two it likes to call a "lore". Also, if you want a certain champion, request it in a review. I may not necessarily do it, but I'll try my best to. Hope you enjoyed it.


	2. Chapter 2

Gotta say, this is really hard. Humor/parody fics really aren't my thing. Again, a reminder that this isn't 100% comedy, and may be heading off in a completely different direction. There will be elements of romance, bromance, drama, and even tragedy, 'cause heck, we're talking about Zed and Yasuo here. Anyways, hope you enjoy the chapter!

* * *

"_I may be outnumbered, but not even the odds can stand against me_!"– Xin Zhao, the Seneschal of Demacia

"_Shut up, Xin, you're bad at teamfights._" – Yasuo, the Unforgiven

* * *

Chapter 1 – A Gift for a Certain Prince

When Yasuo had come to the Institution of War, he was searching for Elder Ginrei's killer. He did not expect to participate in silly _matches_ that deprived him of his honor. He did not expect to have yordle salesmen knock on his door, trying to _poison_ him with nightmare-inducing _mushrooms_. But most of all, he did not expect to be confined in a room with two other Ionian men.

"Why does my rooming with these two have to do with the peace of Valoran?" Yasuo inquired.

"My dear champion, do not question the Council's decision," Kolminye said, condescendingly. "The logic in your words may tear the fabric of being of this story apart." The Summoner all of a sudden became occupied with reading the stack of documents before her.

"Perhaps if three champions of varying loyalties were shown to be able to cooperate with mundane tasks, it would prove to the world that nations with varying interests can also cooperate," Xin Zhao offered.

"Er…yes," Kolminye coughed. "That. _Certainly _not because the Council was bored and decided that throwing three of the most insane and powerful beings on Runeterra together in a room would provide for good entertainment." She paused, muttering about how she was disappointed neither Brand nor Thresh were drawn. After a minute of this muttering, she cleared her throat. "Ahem. Where was I? Oh, yes. This is all for peace. Unity. Harmony. Hooray."

"What if I refuse to comply?" The Master of Shadows did not even try to mask his thoughts, menacingly fingering his shuriken, enraged at the very idea of having to share his living quarters with two obviously inferior beings. Eying Xin's aura that emitted pure, unfiltered swag, he corrected himself. _One_ obviously inferior being and one Xin Zhao.

Kolminye smiled thinly. "You know the answer to that, Zed. Have you forgotten the punishment you received the last time you disobeyed orders?"

Yasuo felt the color in Zed's face drain, even with his mask on. Mumbling something about Brazilian reptiles and Nicki Minaj music videos, he reluctantly agreed.

Xin Zhao followed by thrusting his spear into the expensive red carpet. "By my will, it shall be finished."

"You're not Jarvan," Kolminye remarked. "We don't need another Jarvan." She shuddered. Man, that guy was weird. "Don't say that."

"Who dares defy my will?"

Ignoring the spearman, the High Summoner turned to Yasuo. "And you?"

Yasuo took a deep breath. "I have two conditions."

"Oh? And what would they be?"

"One, you give me a list of the champions other than myself that can use wind techniques." First and foremost, he had to find out who killed Elder Ginrei. He had to know who destroyed his life, who forced him to cut down his own brother.

After a moment of consideration, the magician nodded. "That is fine. What is your second condition?"

"Under no circumstances will Teemo be allowed within a ten-foot radius of our door."

* * *

Yasuo sat on a straw mat, reading a book. The promised list would be delivered the next day, Kolminye had promised.

Absent from the room was the Master of Shadows, whose schedule for the day was packed with matches, as he was one of the most popular champion picks. On the opposite side of the room, closest to the window, the Viscero polished his spear. Yasuo's simple futon and bonsai tree contrasted with Zed's state-of-the-art Zaunite furniture. Xin Zhao's third of the room was decorated with Demacian banners, although interestingly enough, he did not have a bed. He slept on the cold, hard floor. LIKE A MAN.

The dark cedarwood flooring on Xin's third of the room shone brightly, as did the newly-painted walls. Yasuo was glad the Summoners allowed them to customize the room to their liking; his side's tatami flooring and shoji door made him feel a bit more at home. Although the room was vast and accommodating, at least three times the size of a normal champions' dorm, Yasuo felt trapped. The only sound was the quiet squeaking of cloth on metal, and the occasional turn of the page. Every hour, Xin's antique grandfather clock (which he'd received from the Lightshield family as a token of gratitude) would go off with a loud bong, but then the uncomfortable silence would resume. It was so quiet even the chirping of crickets could be heard, although the samurai reckoned it could be Kog'Maw begging his feeders for seconds several rooms over.

Put quite simply, though, it was awkward. Terrifyingly, drearily awkward, only enhanced by the fact that Xin had been polishing the same spear for four hours. How one could spend more than three minutes polishing a pointy stick, Yasuo did not understand.

Yasuo started to make an attempt to break the awkward atmosphere, but luckily, Xin Zhao spoke first.

"Do you own a pillow pet?"

"…"

"…"

"Dafuq?"

"My most honorable liege wanted one on his last birthday. The limited edition Purple Easter Bunny. He never got one. All he received were several large estates."

"By 'liege', do you mean Jarvan Lightshield the Fourth?" Yasuo inquired incredulously.

The Seneschal of Demacia pretended not to hear him, out of respect for his prince. "Tomorrow is the Demacian national holiday, and I have yet to find a gift for my prince. I ask that you join me in my quest, Unforgiven One."

Yasuo's eye twitched. "No. And _never_ call me that again." He hated being called the Unforgiven. It reminded him too much of his scarred past. It reminded him of the reproach he saw in the eyes of his countrymen as he wandered the island continent, without a friend, without a companion, completely and utterly alone. It reminded him too much of Yone's final words, his sharp glare flaring with disgust.

"What shall I call you, then?" the Seneschal of Demacia asked, snapping Yasuo back to reality. "Wanderer? Swordsman? Poofy Hair?"

"Just Yasuo," the samurai replied. He didn't want anyone other than Mundo and Annie calling him Poofy Hair.

"If you insist." A pause. "I ask that you reconsider—"

"No."

A few minutes of silence passed.

"Please accompany me in—"

"No."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"I'll pay you."

"Deal."

* * *

First Attempt: The du Couteau Ward

* * *

Finally alone in his room, Talon stared at the Needlessly Large Rod in his hands, stroking it in awe. "Kat," he called out to his next-door neighbor. "Behold."

The Sinister Blade appeared, curiously staring at his Needlessly Large Rod. "Impressive," she commented. "Can I touch it?"

Talon smiled. Katarina du Couteau rarely took interest in anything besides violence and bloodshed. He was glad she devoted so much of her attention to his Needlessly Large Rod, grasping it curiously.

The item was indeed a powerful artifact, held and reproduced by the Institute of War. A careless apprentice Summoner may have somehow dropped it or left it around. Its powerful magic and mana reserves would definitely make it a useful asset to Noxus.

A swift rap on his door snapped him out of his reverie. Talon rarely had any visitors, save his sisters, the axe-wielding brothers, Swain, LeBlanc, and the occasional Garen Crownguard, who seemed to often mix up his door and Katarina's, given that the du Couteau sigil hung on each.

Setting aside the Needlessly Large Rod to open the door, he was surprised to find Xin Zhao and Yasuo, each dressed in mid-length black-sleeved shirts and plain jeans. He was so surprised, in fact, that he threw a dagger at the Viscero. The dagger lodged in his chest, bright crimson blood pooling onto the floor. Xin Zhao did not even flinch, taking out a pair of shades from nowhere, putting them on like a badass.

After getting over his surprise, Talon managed to growl out, "What business does a Demacian have with me?"

"Do either of you own a pillow pet?"

Katarina snickered. Talon frowned, slamming the door in the Viscero's face.

While Katarina rolled on the floor, laughing until tears ran down her cheeks, Talon hurriedly strode to his closet, carelessly stepping on and breaking the magical artifact, releasing dangerous amounts of magical energy into the room. He shrugged. It wasn't _that_ important anyways. At least, not as important as the treasure that lay in his closet.

"Fluffy," he whispered to his beloved penguin pillow pet. "Don't worry. You'll always be safe with me…"

* * *

Result: failure and extreme blood loss on Xin Zhao's part

* * *

Second Attempt: The Cafeteria

* * *

Thresh was happily munching on his omelette du fromage while chatting with his lantern. They were having a delightful conversation about pain, misery, and death, you see. However, as he turned from his lantern back to his plate, his omelet was nowhere to be found. In a blind rage, he hurled his conversation partner, and the sharp metal corner of the lantern lodged in the wall, barely missing Teemo's head. _A shame I missed,_ the Chain Warden thought. Looking around for the culprit, he spotted a white coat, roaring, "LUCIAN! GET BACK HERE, YOU OMELET THIEF!"

Chasing the Purifier around cafeteria tables and frightening several other champions, Thresh wildly flung his chains around—hooks attached, mind you.

"YOU CAN HAVE YOUR OMELET ONCE I HAVE MY WIFE!" Lucian shouted back at Thresh, turning around to blow a raspberry.

_WHAM_!

The gunman ran face-first into a certain samurai who was carrying a 50-gold KFC bucket.

After Xin Zhao and Yasuo returned from a short trip to Shen's hospital (to patch Xin up, of course; not even THE MAN could walk around with a dagger in his chest for too long), they headed for the cafeteria, the Demacian steward hungry and the Ionian wanderer excited to spend his KFC coupon. They'd have a quick, quiet, peaceful meal, they thought, before they resumed their glorious, noble quest.

"YOUR SOUL IS MINE!" The Chain Warden cackled, hooking the end of the Purifier's coattail.

Lucian was flung to the ground, Thresh dragging him closer and closer by the second.

Looking up, the Purifier held the omelet to the air. "Xin," he croaked. "Yasuo. Take it. Go on without me. Finish what I could not do."

"We will never leave you," Yasuo solemnly replied, the KFC bucket already forgotten.

But the warden continued to pull at the chain. Lucian could not be saved.

Xin took the omelet, reaching for Lucian's hand. "Lucian…no, comrade, _brother_. There is still so much I wish to say to you, brother. Do not leave us!"

But it was too late. Thresh took the Purifier by his neck.

"Brother! No! I have yet to ask you—"

"Say what you must, and I shall listen!" Lucian cried.

"Do you own a pillow pet?"

Lucian did not, could not reply, for Thresh had dunked him face-first into the fountain drinks machine.

* * *

Result: failure, a fallen comrade, and a free cheese omelet

* * *

Third Attempt: ?

* * *

The hallway was dark. The electric lights that should be shining brightly seemed to have malfunctioned. There was a foul stench in the air, and Yasuo could feel killing intent closing in on him from all sides. The hairs on the back of his neck were raised, and he cowered behind Xin Zhao. He shivered as he felt a cold wind. _I miss my KFC bucket_, he thought. _I miss my sword_. _I…I…I miss Yone_. He choked back tears.

For, as few knew, the samurai was terrified of the dark.

The Seneschal of Demacia, however, was all smiles. Yasuo had pinned him for a serious, no-nonsense sort of man, as he always stood erect, tall, and stern beside the Demacian prince. Although, having finally learned the true nature of said Demacian Prince, Yasuo thought maybe there was a good reason why Xin Zhao was so happy, away from Jarvan IV and his coma-inducing presence.

All of a sudden he heard the sound of a door slamming.

Yasuo jumped. "Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

Yasuo took deep breaths. _Calm down, Yasuo,_ he thought. _You're imagining things_. _It's just the darkness playing tricks on your mind. It's just—_

"NOXUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS!" an inhuman voice screeched.

Urgot, the Headman's Pride, charged down the hallway, toting a neon-pink bag full of stuffed animals. He headed straight for Xin Zhao.

Yasuo's scream was so high-pitched only yordles and Nasus could hear it. Xin, however, stood like the impenetrable wall of bulletproof manliness he was, staring Death straight in the—

Urgot tackled the Seneschal of Demacia to the floor, crawly legs stomping on his face.

"HA! TAKE THAT, DEMACIAN! HA! HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA—"

_SPLAT_.

_The cheese omelet_. Lucian's _cheese omelet_.

A bright, warm light began to glow around Yasuo. Heroic music played in the background. "HOW DARE YOU HURT MY FRIENDS!"

For it was friendship that empowered Yasuo. He remembered how Lucian begged him to save the omelet, all he had left to avenge his wife with. He remembered all his memories with Xin Zhao, hours of sitting on a straw mat reading a book, occasionally glancing over at the Demacian to find him _still _polishing his spear. He REMEMBERED. And the memories filled him with power. NAKAMA powers. Now a beacon of light and justice and all things good, Yasuo descended upon the Headman's Pride.

"ASERYO! IGEI TON!"

FRIENDSHIP (and Last Breath) smote Urgot, and the monster crumpled to the floor. The contents of his pink shopping bag spilled out.

Pillow pets. Dozens upon dozens of them. Big ones, small ones, yellow ones, blue ones, rare ones, limited edition ones; there was even a Sona Buvelle pillow pet, complete with a set of wonderfully warm and fuzzy breasts.

Yasuo did not hesitate to grab as many as he could (although he made _very_ sure he had in possession the Sona pillow pet), and stuff them in the bag with one hand, dragging an unconscious Demacian by the leg with his other.

Faster than movespeed Hecarim, he dashed out of the foul, godforsaken hallway.

A few hours later, Urgot would wake up and mourn the loss of Sona's warm, fuzzy breasts.

* * *

Result: VICTORY

* * *

"Happy Demacia Day!"

The Demacians were in good spirits, exchanging gifts with one another, and even the occasional foreigner. Even mopey Galio was flying around with a satisfied smirk on his face, yellow and blue streamers tied to his wings.

Xin Zhao knelt before his prince, presenting his gift. Yasuo stood at his roommate's side, beaming, a hundred thousand gold pieces—his promised payment—in his pockets.

Jarvan tore open the wrapping, tears in his eyes as he buried his face in the breasts of the Sona pillow pet.

Everyone celebrated, save a few sulking Noxians. But for the most part, everyone was happy.

At least, until a young apprentice Summoner rushed into the room, a very important-looking document in his hands. "Yasuo!" he called out frantically. "From High Summoner Kolminye."

The samurai's smile immediately melted as he snatched the paper from the still-trembling Summoner's hand, staring at the two names of the only other wind-technique-wielding champions with intense anger and hatred.

"Gah!" Yasuo screamed, frustrated. "I can only read Ionian."

* * *

A/N: Well, that was extremely rushed and shitty. Tbh I feel like whatever attempts at humor I made ended up as lame failures, but w/e. Thanksgiving break is over, and finals are coming up, so this story may not get an update until Christmas break; I'll try my best to see if I can throw in a chapter, though. I'm new to writing for this site, so as of yet, I have no beta readers or anything of the sort, my only proofreader being my brother, whose mental age is lower than the number of people who've played Yorick today. Sorry for the lack of Zed; he'll definitely be in the next chapter, I promise. If you have any suggestions, constructive criticism, or requests, reviews are greatly appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Firstly, so sorry for the slow update. A thank-you to all my reviewers. I've been aware that my Xin jokes are getting old, and for most of the second chapter I was trying out a new style; my usual writing is solemn and not at all humorous. It was extremely rushed; this one is a bit better, although I wrote it after finals so you might feel the stress in this story. Again, I'm bad at writing funny stories, but I'm trying. I hope you find this one a lot more to your liking!

Secondly, I'd like to thank Creatof0fWords and her story for inspiring me to update this. Check out her Snowdown Chaos story; it's gr9.

Lastly, forgive me for messing up and saying that there are only two champions other than Yasuo (and Ao Shin who will apparently come out one day) that know wind techniques. Obviously, the two I referred to are Janna and Riven; however, Galio has a magical wind thingy as well. I'll be ignoring that fact in my story.

* * *

[Control 4 Spam] "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"-

"And that, kids, is why nobody likes playing with a salty Zed." - Your Mom

* * *

Chapter 2 – And Two Become Three

"And then he told me to take a stab at it, and I was like, 'No! I'll take three!'"

"LOL XIN, YOU'RE SUCH A KNOCKUP!" Yasuo took a deep, long Last Breath before he choked on his own spittle laughing.

Wuju like the author to stop with the puns, now? Yes; yes, you would.

Zed hated being excluded. Even when he was with the Order, he was often excluded. As an orphaned child, he was excluded from games. Because he was Shen's rival and everyone liked Shen, he was excluded as he grew older. And since he'd betrayed the Order, he was completely out of the picture (not to mention, it wasn't _his_ fault that the Order was lame and betray-able). The Master of Shadows wasn't allowed to attend any Ionian festivities or parties bar ones he threw himself. He hadn't even been invited to Leona's birthday party, and the Radiant Dawn, he deemed, was the most compassionate (although compassion was a weakness, he still lamented the fact that he was still being ostracized) of all the champions. The last time he'd been invited to anything at all was when Singed asked him to take part in his experiment. Zed valued his own health, so he had politely declined by sticking the Mad Chemist through with one of his blades.

And now, when he finally had a chance to finally socialize, he just _had_ to have a day filled with League battles. Over the course of a single day, Xin Zhao and Yasuo had grown quite close—or as close a dysfunctional duo can be. Zed was excluded, yet again.

He didn't understand why. Was his sunshiny personality too positive for everyone to handle? Did these pathetic mongrels even understand his value?

Raising his visor to reveal the bottom half of his face, he greeted the two. "Good morning," he said, in as FRIENDLY a tone as he could. He added a DASHING SMILE as a bonus.

He did not sound at all friendly, however. It came out as a MENACING GROWL, and the DASHING SMILE looked like a SADISTIC, SHARKLIKE GRIN that indicated he'd EATEN ANNIE FOR BREAKFAST.

When they didn't reply, Zed continued, sure they were SPEECHLESS from his CHARM. "Would you two care," his hands twitched eagerly in anticipation and excitement as he spoke, "to join me for lunch today?" He BEAMED to emphasize his HOSPITALITY.

The manly, masculine Xin Zhao was horrified at the ninja's MANIC EXPRESSION, and his manly, masculine scream was so high-pitched Nasus got a migraine from across the Institute. Yasuo, however, seemed unfazed, possibly due to the lack of brain matter in his head.

"Will there be alcohol?"

"I don't see why not."

"WE ARE GLAD TO ACCEPT YOUR INVITATION!" Yasuo exclaimed. "XIN, LET'S GO!"

"Yasuo, we just ate. Besides, we will not associate ourselves with a murderer who aligns himself against Demacia."

Yasuo made a face. "Xiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin…"

"Don't make me repeat myself."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…I'm going to tell Jarvan that—"

"DO YOU HEAR THAT? THAT WAS THE SOUND OF MY STOMACH GROWLING. I WOULD LOVE TO EAT LUNCH WITH YOU!"

Suffice to say, the ninja was very happy, as FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (the author would like to 1. explicitly state that any and all Disney song lyrics used in this fanfiction belong to Disney, and 2. explicitly state that if she ever hears any song from "Frozen" again, played for whatever reason, she is going to uninstall League and become a nun.) he'd found friends.

* * *

The hallways were quieter than usual. Xin Zhao could not hear the usual soft, melodious music emanating from the room of Sona Buvelle. There was no sign of any conflict whatsoever, nor were there loud, excessively violent noises coming from the corridor in which the Piltover Enforcer resided. Heck, even the Freljord Wing was quieter than Rammus; not even Tryndamere's ghetto rap music was playing.

It was far too quiet. He sensed something was very, very wrong. His eyebrows were very good at sensing these things.

Zed had sensed it too. After all, he was a ninja, and ninja were supposed to be good at sensing these things.

The samurai that happily skipped in front of them, waving his sword as if it were a magic wand, however, did not have strong eyebrow game, nor was he a ninja, and therefore did not sense the impending danger before it was too late…

…Turning the corner, he ran face first into a group of Ionian women. Well, mostly Ionian women. Riven considered herself an Ionian at heart, anyways.

Now, Yasuo "The Unforgiven" was not considered the most popular of Ionians. It might have been because he acted as if he were always on a constant high. And they weren't just simple, cheap Teemo shroom highs, either—they were Mount Targon-high highs. It might also have been his hairstyle that was unforgivable, or the fact that he was widely considered to be a murderer who betrayed Ionia to Noxus, having taken the life of an esteemed Elder.

Suffice to say, the Will of Blades, Exile, Fist of Shadow, Enlightened One, and Nine-Tailed Fox were not very happy to see him. Zed's presence did not help the situation.

"Traitors of Ionia conspiring together? How much did Noxus pay you for your services?" Irelia spat, glaring so violently at Yasuo one would think he starred in Boku no Pico.

"While Yasuo may be a dumbass," Xin said, feigning difficulty balancing the weight of his spear, "he is not a traitor, nor has he ever conspired with the likes of Noxians."

"Yeah, I'm not a—hey, did you just call me a dumbass?"

The Will of Blades ignored Yasuo's comment. "And _you_...I thought better of you, Viscero." Irelia's gaze grew sharp, her blade shaking from anger. "Of all the men to lie, cheat, steal, and _betray_, I'd never have expected you to commit such atrocities. I guess men don't have any honor, after all."

Behind her, Akali nodded in agreement, muttering something about balance and breakfasts, and the importance of a balanced breakfast. Karma facepalmed; Irelia was getting into unnecessary fights _again_. Riven looked uninterested in anything that was happening, and from time to time would yawn. Ahri just looked uncomfortable, and didn't seem to like the way Xin's and Yasuo's eyes kept wandering.

Xin's temper flared. "You may insult me as much as you want," he growled, "but I will not have you insult my honor. You speak of honor, yet _you_ are the one to come flying at us with false accusations. Have you no dignity?"

Irelia's cheeks flushed a brilliant red. "I...I...I didn't m-m-mean it that way, b-b-baka!" In her moment of anxiety, her blade quivered and began to fall-right on top of her. She noticed too late and began to squeeze her eyes shut—

A streak of gold flashed through the air, and the two-bladed weapon was knocked aside by a golden spear that towered above Irelia, shielding her from harm. When she opened her eyes, she found a Demacian Seneschal a _tad_ too close to her for her liking.

The two-bladed weapon came flying back.

"Get away from me, b-bakaaaaaaa!"

* * *

After a trip to the infirmary, a brief introduction from everyone, a long explanation from Zed and Xin, and a profuse apology from Irelia ("This doesn't mean I forgive you or anything, b-baka! I'm only doing this because I o-owe Xin an a-apology…"), it was decided that lunch for three would become lunch for six, much to Riven's dismay and Zed's delight.

"Why were you three forced to room together?" Akali asked as they took their seats at a Piltoverian-styled café several blocks from the Institute. "You three make the weirdest trio."

"That's because we're the Triumphant Trio!" Yasuo exclaimed.

"Triumphant? More like Traitorous Trio," Irelia put in.

"Troublesome Trio," Riven muttered.

"Troll Trio?" Zed asked.

"No, that's Karthus, Yorick, and Urgot."

"Oh. You have a point there."

All was well, and everyone was beginning to warm up to each other.

_Maybe I'll have friends after all_, Zed thought. Akali, however, continued to ignore him, acting as if he didn't exist. Still, as she sat before him, he watched her beautiful green eyes light up at Yasuo's stupidity and smiled under his mask every time her vivid laughter rang out. For the first time in years, something stirred within him.

_Erase such thoughts from your mind_, the Shadows hissed. _Love? Love only betrays. She will only betray your heart again, like she did many years ago_. _Like all those times she shunned everything you did for her, for the attention of a fool who never cared for her._

As the orders were being taken, however, something inexplicable happened.

For a moment—it was only a moment, mind you, the slightest fraction of a second that passed by faster than movespeed Hecarim—for that moment, Yasuo's IQ quadrupled, and he noticed something for once.

Unfortunately, that something happened to be Riven's sword, which she had placed by her seat, glowing with white-green energy and wind runes.

He frowned, and took out the list of wind technique users he got from Kolminye again.

The first name was

**JANNA**

The second name, in bold ink, was

**RIVEN**

* * *

OTL. Again, I can't write humor fics. Sorry if it sucked. Anyways, if you want to see a champ, I can fit anyone you want in here, if I try hard enough. Cliffhanger much? Anyways, can you see the LUV starting to form?

Jaykay, b*tches, I'm just teasing and screwing with you. Or am I?

If you want to add me, my IGN is ImSoSugoi.

SIKE THAT'S THE WRONG USERNAME. But you should still add him. Message him cuss words, while you're at it, too.

Anyways.

Kanade out!


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thanks for the feedback! The requested champs (you'll find out who they are), as promised, appear in this chapter. This chapter contains significantly less humor than the previous ones, or at least, it's significantly less sporadic and random. It's hella long, too (at least in comparison to the previous chapters), because I have to really start getting the overarching plot going. And I'll apologize in advance for any OOC-ness. Points for getting references. And lastly, I don't own Rito, nor do I own Disney or any of its songs.

* * *

"Violence solves everything." – Katarina Du Couteau, The Sinister Blade

"Cookies solve everything." – Yasuo, The Unforgiven

* * *

Chapter 3—A Sinister Development

Yasuo had allowed the lunch to pass uneventfully.

Perhaps it was out of a sense of contrived pity—the Noxian Exile had, after all, thrown away her homeland in an attempt for redemption. Riven had, after all, sought atonement for her sins.

Forgive her, however, he did not. Just as he remained Unforgiven, the immeasurable suffering she had caused him, the years of agony he endured alone, exiled by his very own nation, would never be undone, would never be forgotten.

What Riven had done to him he would never forgive.

How he could have forgotten her, he did not know. He remembered now the mournful red eyes that gazed at him, the short white hair that billowed as she dashed forward to exchange the slightest of blows with him. He remembered now the peculiar green sword that was, at the time, whole and unbroken, entire and radiating with power. He remembered now the shortest of moments that passed hurriedly by as he cut through the Noxian forces in the Third Temple, the flash of red, white and green that flew past in the frenzy of battle. Not a single word had been exchanged then—only a few slashes, jabs, and parries and the blur of vibrant red that stared right at him, that stared straight through him, alive with a roaring fire of determination and resolve (and ah, but wait—was that not the desperate gaze of a hunted animal?), a fire that consumed the quick glance his dark brown eyes had granted it.

How ironic was it that it was those very eyes that then burned with so much passion and fear were now dulled with an anxious placidity, a satisfaction with illusion, the false contentment that the Institute of War provided, that the League of Legends provided, with the quiet, passing days that left her—no, that left him with a false promise, a lie.

He would let her enjoy her lie for a while longer before he broke her. He would take everything away from her just as she did him. It was for this very moment of vengeance that he had continued living, continued struggling day after day to survive in the Ionian wilderness—it was for this very moment of vengeance that he had cut down those close to him, it was for this very moment that he had cut down Ashitaka, Ruri, Yato, Cana, Mugen, Hei, Shigeru, Yone. His vengeance was not only for himself, but for all those that had hunted him down and died. There was only one reason he had joined the League of Legends, and one reason alone.

He would keep his anger, keep his hatred, let it fester and grow. He would carry out his revenge, for it was all he had left.

For now, however, he would wait. He would enjoy his lie, rebuild his life, and accept what the League offered, so when the day came and he destroyed everything important to Riven, he could laugh. He would have everything, and she nothing.

Of course, that was why he did nothing that day, as they sat around a table at a mundane café, laughing, smiling, joking around without a care in the world. Certainly he did not pity the Noxian scum. Certainly he did not see himself reflected in those bright red eyes that now glowed like warm embers. Certainly, he thought, as he watched her smile faintly at Zed's clumsiness, at Xin Zhao's no-nonsense, comically too-serious attitude, at Irelia's tsundere stutters and at Akali's enormous order of several of the most expensive dishes, he did not want to forgive her.

Right?

* * *

"I wonder what Zed looks like under his mask?" Xin Zhao whispered to Yasuo as they returned from lunch.

"What if he's a girl with a manly voice?" Yasuo mused.

"Unpleasant to look at?"

"A giant yordle?"

"Disfigured?"

"A furry?"

"An attractive, sparkling vampire that needs to hide his face and body from hordes of fangirls?"

Yasuo gasped. "Oh. Em. Geeeeee. What if…what if he were your best friend from long ago that you thought was dead, who turned to the dark side because some ancient evil from his clan brainwashed him to help cast on the moon a spell that can control everyone's minds?"

Xin tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I guess there's only one way to find out."

* * *

Water splashed everywhere, onto the ducky shower curtains and Zed's shoulders, trickling down his arms and body. Although neither Irelia nor Akali spoke to him all throughout the lunch, he was in a good mood. He had friends for the first time in his life. Friends that accepted his assholish attitude. Friends that didn't think he was scary.

He was happy, and was thus singing 'Hakuna Matata' in the shower.

Unbeknownst to him, two shadows lay in wait beside the toilet, ready to spring at him, pin him down in the hot steam, and—

(No, no, this isn't that kind of fanfiction. Get your minds out of the gutter.)

"You peek and tell me!" Yasuo whispered.

"HAKUNA MATATAAAAAAAA, AIN'T NO PASSIN' CRAZE!"

"You were the one who suggested that we try this in the first place!" Xin hissed back. "If we get caught…" Xin Zhao recalled the last episode he'd seen of '1000 Ways to Die'. He gulped. "Very well. If I don't make it, tell my liege that my heart, body, and soul remain forever his."

(No, no, this isn't that kind of fanfiction. Stop thinking that way.)

Yasuo nodded solemnly. "I understand. Fare thee well."

"IT MEANS NO WORRIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEES FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAAAAAAAAYYYYYYS!"

And so the brave, courageous Seneschal of Demacia braced himself and grabbed the shower curtain, slowly peeling it to one side.

And oh, did Xin Zhao's eyes widen at the sight before him. He stared and stared and stared at Zed's 22-centimeter-long—

(No, no, this isn't that kind of fanfiction. Did you see the M-rated label? I thought not.)

Anyways, Xin Zhao stared and stared and stared and stared in awe at Zed's 22-centimeter metal face mask and visor.

"The f*ck wears the mask when he showers!"

"You're sh*tting me. Let me see!" Yasuo shoved Xin out of the way and beheld Zed's mask. He was so surprised, in fact, that he released the shower curtain a bit too roughly, causing the metal rings it was suspended from to grate rather loudly.

Luckily for Xin Zhao and Yasuo, however, Zed was engaged at the moment.

"IT'S OUR PROBLEM FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE PHILOSOPHYYYYYYYYYYYY—"

They ran from the bathroom faster than Nasus running after a stick.

* * *

"Plan B, Xin."

"I fail to see how it will succeed."

"Trust me. We got this."

And so Yasuo the Unforgiven knocked on the door of Katarina du Couteau.

The original plan was to ask Shen, Kennen, or Akali to unmask Zed, but due to their bad blood with the Master of Shadows, Xin Zhao suggested they turn to other sneaky assassins for the job.

Of course, at first, Yasuo wanted to ask Talon to assist them in unmasking Zed, but Xin Zhao was not too keen on getting stabbed again. The only remaining stealthy champion (other than Vayne, Evelynn, and Nocturne, but Yasuo wanted to stay away from those monsters of transvestite-looking b*tches, and Nocturne wasn't quite an option) to ask for help would be the Sinister Blade.

They soon learned that one did not simply ask Katarina du Couteau for petty favors.

"You do realize that I require payment for my services," the Noxian purred.

"We will do anything you ask of us," Xin Zhao stated firmly.

"Even tell me Demacian secrets?"

"We will do almost anything you ask of us," Xin Zhao corrected. "Even if it's to help you get some of Crownguard's di—"

Xin Zhao found a knife in his chest. Again.

* * *

-Shen's Hospital-

The assassin narrowed her eyes. "Why are you two so desperate to find out? Are there dark secrets brewing Noxus should be aware of?"

"Nothing of the kind. Yasuo thinks Zed's a yordle," Xin began, all bandaged up and lying snugly in a bed.

"You think he's a sparkling vampire!"

"Yordles aren't that short," Xin retorted.

"Zed isn't that disgusting!" Yasuo recalled Zed's singing. "Okay. Maybe he is. But that doesn't matter."

"No, it doesn't," Xin agreed. "The only thing that matters is that we find out."

Katarina facepalmed. Today was going to be a long day.

* * *

A/N: I've taken up someone's request for some Katarina screen time! Eventually, I'll get to the Jax request, too, I promise. I'm so sorry for the slow update; I'm not very good at writing quickly, especially when I have over twelve projects I'm working on at the same time. If anyone has any requests, let me know. Also, constructive criticism is always appreciated.

I want to thank Creator0fWords for being my amazing new beta reader, as well. She's also got amazing stories like Snowdown Chaos and Roommates, both of which I highly recommend if you're into humorous LoL fics like this one.

And lastly, as always, stay Gucci, my friends.


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